Midlife MavericksSaying yes is easy.
Saying no is something else. It’s uncomfortable. It creates that awkward silence.
Nobody taught us women to say no. They taught us the exact opposite.
So we got used to saying yes to almost everything.
- Extra work that wasn’t ours.
- “Favours” that looked a lot like free labour.
- Meetings that didn’t need us.
- Projects someone dropped and nobody wanted.
- Reports nobody read.
- Team dinners organised by us because “you’re so good at that sort of thing.”
Every one of those yeses was a no to ourselves.
Years ago, in banking, I was doing the work of three people. Running around like a headless chicken. Absurd hours. Zero energy. I desperately needed more resources, but I kept saying yes to everything because I thought that was the job.
One day, a friend pulled me aside on the trading floor and said: “You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Claudia. You need to start saying no. Otherwise you’ll never get the resources you need.”
Nobody had told me that before. Nobody. The script in my head was different: accept it, solve it, don’t complain, show you can handle it.
I started saying no. It was hard. It didn’t come naturally. I braced myself for confrontation, for disapproval, for judgment.
The first time I said no, nothing happened. No drama. No consequences. I’d spent months afraid of something that didn’t exist.
A few months later, three positions approved. Three people hired. The work redistributed. Because once I stopped doing everything alone, it became obvious to everyone that it was never a one-person job.
Today I say no to clients. I say no to partnerships. The lesson stuck.
A friend of mine in finance was offered a promotion. Better title, more responsibility, bigger team, but not a single penny more and no better quality of life.
She turned it down. And what she felt was relief.
Later, the opportunity she actually wanted came along. And she said yes wholeheartedly.
When a woman says no, she’s difficult. When she repeats the no, she’s inflexible.
When a man says no, he’s strategic. When he repeats the no, he has conviction.
We know this. We feel it. And still, we keep apologising for having limits. Every time we say yes to what we don’t want, we’re saying no to ourselves.
Justin Welsh, who built a multimillion-dollar business on his own, puts it simply: your ability to say no determines your ability to succeed. Whether you’re inside a company or building your own thing, the rule is the same.
Saying no doesn’t require a speech. But you need to practice. Here are some concrete phrases, because that’s where most women get stuck:
“I can’t fit this in this week.”
“That’s not my priority right now.”
“I’m going to have to pass this to someone else.”
“I appreciate the invitation, but I won’t be able to.”
“I need to think before I commit.”
“Right now, the answer is no.”
No justification nor apology. “No” is a complete sentence.
My daughter is 11 and says no so naturally that impresses me. Sometimes it lands on me. But every time I hear her, I think: she won’t need twenty years to learn what I learned.
